apologies...

i deserve to be stoned to death for commiting TOO MUCH mistakes... hurting someone i love TOO BAD... no one knows how much pain i'm having right now.... everyone's too busy to notice... everyone's to busy to ask if i'm okay or whatever... anyway, here goes my apologies for those people i've hurt, for those people i owe... for the people i've known as my friends... for those people who hate me so much...

for the friends of M...
am so, so, so sorry for hurting your dearest friend... for being such an unworthy person for him... sorry, but i really love him... i guess it may be too much.... sorry... sorry if i'm such a mean person towards your friend... but am really trying so hard to make things better & do things right... i know or rather I FEEL that you people know so much about US already... i've asked two of you, who said "no" for my question.... need not explain...need not lie to me also... i understand, how you hold dear your friendship with M. it's not that am thinking too much, but it's REALLY what i feel... but i assure you people, am really trying my best to be a better person, it's just that..... am having problems with myself... i don't know really, but i guess M is just too perfect for me.... and somehow, how i wish all of you have known my reasons, my heartaches, my side to understand more what i'm really going through...

for those friends who hate me so much....
sorry... sorry if you people hate me so much... sorry for being mean... for being horrible at times... am sorry that you've known someone like me...


for everyone...
am deeply sorry... and it's all up to you if you'll forgive me or not.... feel free to judge me if that's what you want... but before you do, why don't you empathize first...

sinking in...

i do not like how i feel nowadays.... there would be times i feel so happy, & there are also times i feel so down... and when i feel so down, AM REALLY SO, SO DOWN... days ago i had a serious talk or shall i say, my significant other talked to me ( since i wasn't able to react or talk back)... in a very serious way... things about ME, MY MISTAKES, my NOT SO GOOD attitudes... and thinking that he envies his friend for having a significant other who's much MORE UNDERSTANDING than ME... all those things, are beginning to sink in, that made me ask so many questions... am damn tired hearing so many bad things about me... REALLY DAMN TIRED.... because, all those times i've tried my best but with every mistake i commit it's always a BIG DEAL or something... it just adds up to my FRUSTRATON & DEPRESSION... it made me feel so much that AM NOT SUITED TO BE ANYONE'S FRIEND OR EVEN A GIRLFRIEND...

that day, when i was listening to my significant other, i feel like wanting to disappear... and now as those words that have been said to me are sinking in, am also sinking... sinking down... SCARED & WORRIED that am not god enough... or than am NEVER god enough... that there MIGHT be a time that those people i love (specially my significant other) will just leave me because I WAS NEVER OR WILL NEVER BE good enough... that if people get to know someone else who's FAR BETTER THAN ME, they would leave me just for that BETTER PERSON which i am not.... i really fear to be alone...

dear m,

i'm so sorry if i was not able to speak that time... the time you talked to me... i'm sorry for not being someone better like the girlfriend of the one you have envied... don't worry, i'l try to chat with that girl when she's online & ask her of her attitudes toward his boyfriend so that i'll be able to do the same to you... i'll also try my very best to lose weight so that i'll be more pleasing to look at... i know am being such a "plump" nowadays since it's summer... i'm really sorry for making you so mad with my questioning... i guess i've said enough as of the moment...

depressed... again...

it's so nice that less than a month, it's already my birthday and am depressed... again... and again... and again... and months have passed, and STILL am looked at & known as a MEAN/BAD person... when i am depressed i really do cry the whole day & night but since there's something i've got to do this afternoon, i have to stop crying & pretend that am okay when am really not... when i was crying this afternoon, not even the funniest joke made me laugh, so it did not stop me from crying... while i was crying, i closed my eyes & try to picture Jesus hugging me... and even the thought of my parents hugging me when i was just a kid also came into my mind because, i badly needed comfort... i badly need someone to tell me that things will be fine...

how wish that when i smile & laugh with my friends, i wish that my heart is really into it.... deep inside, i just wanna stay in one corner, and cry all out those feelings of hurt...

i feel so, so, much that am just another FAILURE... that no matter how hard i tried, things just don't get fine... it's been almost A YEAR that i've tried... YET, people around can still hardly see... i feel like i'm being torn into pieces.... i'm shattered... i do not even know who i am now since, all that is in my mind is to do this & that...

i think it's much better when i do not talk too much... when i simply enjoy being myself... thinking alone & not minding the world around me... well, am really starting to go back to where i was long ago... because, i'm STILL causing much trouble & pain for others so it would really be better to stay quiet...

starting tomorrow, i'l be quiet... just like before... & i mean it...

when you are surrounded by users...

Most of us, has so many friends.... But sad to say, only handful are those who are true... How I really hate friends(???) who would just use you... Even if they would not fail to thank you, there would be times that just for your mistake, just one mistake.... Those good things you've done for them will be forgotten or will not be thought of... That's what I really hate about it... For just a single mistake, for just a simple flaw, you'll be judged at as a BAD PERSON... Okay, since those people whom I thought were my friends(???), think of me that way, then so be it! It seems that they enjoy seing me that way...

I cried this afternoon because of an incident, that a friend(???) of mine assumed that I was angry, shoving them away when two of them went to the place where I live in... I cried because of HURT & ANGER.... Because that friend(???) of mine made another someone, text me a foul message... FOR JUST ONE TIME THAT THEY WE'RE NOT ACCOMODATED, THEY GOT MAD AT ME.... FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!!! After the countless times I've helped those people, with JUST ONE INCIDENT became mad at me!!!! REALLY, MAD.... *sigh*

Thank GOD I've got BETTER FRIENDS than them... I don't know with those "user-friends(???)...They even see themselves as GOD fearing , but they're ALL CRAP.... all they would always think of is WHAT THEY CAN GET FROM OTHERS.... I somehow feel regretting that I've known them & regretting for being their friend... No matter how PAINFUL the incident happened and no matter how ANGRY I am about them, I am still KIND enough not to regret those GOOD things I've shared/given to them because, I'VE BEEN A FRIEND TO THEM WITH ALL MY HEART & MADE THEM HAPPY WITH ALL MY HEART ALSO...

Anyway, out of what happened, I've learned..... TO BE WISER IN CHOOSING MY FRIENDS...

I am cheap....

Once again, am reminded of how cheap I am... Well, I admit and aware of that... It's just that, when it's being shoved on my face, it makes me sad.... It hurts in a way.... well, what more can I do??? I just cry it all away, hoping that the feeling would be washed away by the tears I shed... Then, thoughts of hurting myself comes in my mind again... because I want to punish myself for being such a bitch... for being so cheap... for being so stupid.... for being someone who I am now.... I feel like shit... I feel like am a dirt... or even a stain....

Am just a pretty face... am just another pretty face... I guess my b**** are bigger than my brain after all... *sigh*

HAVING TO GIVE-WAY...

Dearest M,

Walang mangyayari kung walang magpaparaya.... alam ko, sa pagkakataong ito, ako na naman ang kailangan magparaya.... mahirap mag blog nang masama ang loob at galit, pero pipilitin kong bungkalin sa loob ko ang pakiramdam na pagpapakababa ng loob.... marahil, sanay naman na ako sa ganito.... sanay na magparaya.... akala ko matututunan mo sa akin, pero hindi pala.... naglakas loob akong kumprontahin ka, para maitama ang dapat na maitama, pero paano mangyayari ang ganoon kung sarado ang puso mo at isipan? Ngayon, napagtanto ko, na talagang magaling ka nga talaga.... dahil pinatunayan mong IKAW LANG ang tama, at AKO LANG ang mali.... At kapag sinasabi ko na, AKO ANG MALI, wala kana iba pang maririnig... pangako ko iyan sa iyo... para matapos na ang lahat ng ito, hihingi ako ng patawad sa iyo.....

Patawarin mo ako sa pagkakamali ko... patawarin mo ako na nagiging masama na ang lumalabas sa bibig ko, at sumasama na din ang pakikitungo ko sa iyo.... Marami sana akong gustong ibahagi sa iyo, pero talagang nananatiling sarado ang puso at isip mo.... Pero sa palagay ko, ang dahilan talaga ay isa ka kasing perpektong tao... ngayon ay bumabalik na naman ang pag iisip ko na saktan ang sarili ko, dahil nahihirapan akong mapatawad ang sarili ko... dahil nga, nakagawa na namanako ng malaking kasalanan..... gasgas na ang salitang "patawad/sorry" pero sana, mabuksan mo ang puso mo para mapatawad mo nga ako.... Ngayon ay pinipigil kong maiyak, dahil ayoko na kasi umiyak ng mag isa..... nang walang makiki-simpatiya sa akin....

Wala na akong iba pang masabi pa.... kasi, baka magkamali pa ako ng masabi at baka lumabas pang masama ka.... alam ko, hindi ganun kadali mawala galit mo... sana, kapag ako naman ang nagalit ng ganyan, ay pagbigyan mo din sana ako ng pagkakataon na magalit ng matagal.... nang hindi kita nasasaktan at nasasabihan ng masasakit na salita.... sana, mahal mo pa rin ako.... kahit ganito akong klase ng tao.... na masama....