when everything around became so painful...

i am in so much pain right now... just when i thought that i'm on top of the world, riding on a cloud, i wake up finding myself to where i was before... back to being insecure, feeling so awful, feeling so undesirable... just when i thought i was doing better, after al those time i wasn't... and it hurts when the things that would hurt me much will come from the one i really love... just because i got mad with something i hated him doing over and over, all it takes is just one thing to get me back to the shit i came from... all i remember, i was the one who feel offended yet... he had hurt me twice the pain...

i just had my birthday, and this happened...

i had just a very happy birthday, a very unforgettable one and this happened...

am i that bad to suffer so much pain?

i realized, all the time i was just fooling myself that i am improving... i haven't improved... am still the old mean shitty person whom many people hates... am just so sick and tired pleasing and pleasing people around that makes me confused and lost, not knowing who i really am anymore... i'm always not good enough... no matter how hard i try... do i really belong to this lifetime?

now am having doubts if i really am meant for the man whom i'm about to marry next year... i doubt myself so much now... i doubt myself if i can still survive this pain because evrything is just too much for me that i find it somehow... unfair... how i hate myself right now... how i wanted to even kill myself for being such a big failure... for beng the person who i am... i so hate myself...

i don't even have faith in myself nor believe in myself anymore...

i am just a bad person who would always fail to meet the expectation of the people around me... and i am so sorry...