good morning....(?)

is it too much to ask for HONESTY???

a line from a song.... "....oh love, don't let me be the last to know...."


*sigh* i am damn tired of playing "hide & seek".... i want to put an end to it, but it's something "both people" can do... i myself can't stop it... since it's not me who's always hiding, it's me who's seeking...

so early in the morning....

shit... really can't control the stress anymore... it's just days to go before my birthday and am encountering so, so much problems.... =( .... and with all those problems, i can hardly think if am still able to celebrate my birthday.... ugh.... this really sucks... reality just not bite, but it sucks also! every night, i can hardly fall asleep because at the end of the day i can't help but think & wonder if am going to surpass all those trials....

it's so, so damn frustrating.... each day i wake up, somehow i wish that all those worries would go away... that somehow, my burden will lighten up a bit... *sigh*

i just woke up, it's 8:36am and am blogging already... that's how worried i am...

a song that is not for me....

once again am blogging... this poor, pathetic super insecure girl is blogging... and the title for this entry doesn't even fit to what am typing right now... just a little... well, anyway, it's just so damn sad when a song you have dedicated for your loved one is being dedicated to another person.... and it was too late for me to find out... i've made a blog (in another blog site) for my very special loved one, dedicated a song then later found out that he used that song or rather also dedicated the same song to another person.... wtf... i feel so stupid for creating that stupid blog that all the while, without me knowing that he had dedicated that song to another person... YES, AM BEING REDUNDANT!!! because I CAN HARDLY BELIEVE, AND AM TRYING TO BELIEVE AND TRYING SO DAMN HARD TO FACE THE REALITY!!! it's been YEARS (like a MILLION YEARS already) that i've envied those people who are so lucky for having a song that is really dedicated or originally composed for them...

how i wish, the next day i wake up, all this insecurity will just go away.. how i hate to feel this way... it's like almost hating my heart for feeling that way... am not pretty at all, nor my attitude is not good at all... am not that atractive anymore like the way before, when my built was just fine & pleasing... so am not pleasing to look at, and not pleasing to be with because my attitude sucks... and if you're wondering or would want to ask me "ARE YOU DOING ANYTHING ABOUT IT?" yes i am. and have tried so hard that it even broke my heart... even if it's taking a long time for me to put back together the pieces of my heat, still am trying...

sometimes i wish i'd just be another person...

it's just sad to know when your loved one had a crush on someone else during those times that your relationship was on the rocks... i just can't understand the point in that... why??? why is it that someone would manage to be vulnerable during those times of trials? why does he have to tell it to someone else when that "someone else" is years younger & it's even a girl? i wanted my relationship with my love to be an inspiration yet, how can that be when he has told that younger person that he has/had a crush? that even that younger person was even mature enough to advice my love to be careful on that crush thingy... and now it seems that my loved one doesn't know how to face the consequences...

whenever something like this happens, whenever shit happens, i think of it as a KARMA... damn KARMA.... it's so shitty when those bad things you've done before is being done towards you and you somehow feel HELPLESS since you wanted or even vowed to change...

i vowed to be faithful... to be 100% honest... i've vowed not to be in two relationships at the time, EVER AGAIN... *sigh* yet... i there are two questions that i have in mind about such things.... is it karma? or am just simply being tested? ( i go for karma... how about you, who's ready this lame entry??? what would be your answer?)