for my archangel...'till we meet again...

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him forever in the next. Amen."

I have written about this prayer in my past entry... And how I can relate to that prayer... Why? Because I am being torn apart by the special someone of my life... After all that had happened to both of us, I still can say that he's still special to me even if I may not be special to him anymore... I was really hurt by the way he treated me for the past few months, shutting me up and for whatever I would want to say... What my heart wants to tell him... That there's this amount of love still left for him and that how I wish things will just go back to where we are... The time when we were just both contented of having each other as very special friends... When there's no complications, no tears, no pain... When we can still text and call each other... Gone were the days and how I miss those days...

Now it seems we're in a point of no return... When we can no longer turn our backs, nor turn back to be the person we once were... And how this reality tears me apart... how I can hardly go and move on as he would want me to do... where do I start? and... how? When it seems I am no longer wanted... he tells me we are still friends but why is it this way? Being so cold that it seems he wants both of us to forget about each other... This isn't friendship at all...

For my dearest Archangel,

Since you wanted me to move on, let me at least pour out what I feel... What's left here inside until there's no more left but the good old memories we had... I still do not get it, why you shut me up... and it hurts to be this way... Part of me is sad and part of me is mad... Why am I mad? Here are the reasons...

I wish you could have told me how you feel way back then... When the time was just perfect, the two of us, sitting side by side, at the garden of the church, you holding my hand... You could have told me you love me but no... And how am I suppose to tell you that I also love you? If you'll return the blame on me, it's because I was afraid of what would turn out since I do not have any idea that you feel the same way... I fear of rejection... I fear I might ruin something that is good... And it's nor my style to confess to a guy what I feel.. it's just not like me to do something like that... I know and understand the reasons why you have chosen not to tell me, believe me, I understand... But it makes me sick being in this situation when you really could have just told me right there and then... So at least there could have been an "us"... I could have felt how it is to love you and you could have felt the same towards me... Even if we're not so sure that time if the relationship would last, but all that matters is that once in my life we could have been free to express how we love each other, not the way that happened a year ago... Then, at least we could have been good friends unlike now... I really regret that time... let's say, we both have wasted the opportunity... Now that we are miles apart, we only have expressed how we feel thru a text message and a phone call... How was I to know that, whenever you text me a message with the words "I love you" it means something else already? How was I to know that you are loving me already in a different way when for several years you were not so clear about it until the day we joked about it?

Then, there's this choice you wanted me to make... A choice that I have thought about every single day, every single night... You wanted me to have that leap of faith but how can I when you are not even here? The risks of me moving over there was a very tough decision on my part that's why I wanted you to meet me here to talk about things personally... To make me convince that it's worth to choose you... Because I was so afraid... I wanted to see the person that I am going to be with if ever I make the choice... But you suddenly became cold and decided not to meet me... You're too selfish for not meeting me since you wanted me to decide even before you meet me... And that's not easy for me to do... I don't remember if I told you this, but I need the assurance before that it's worth it to choose you... When you decided not to meet me anymore, I was really hurt... Now you tell me not to go there... I really just want to see you and talk to you personally so that I could apologize to you and explain what happened and I also want an explanation to what you have decided... I really would want to make it up to you in whatever way I can and at least to be with you even just for a day so that I would be able to have that peace of mind... That if ever you no longer want me as your friend, at least I have talked to you personally to make you feel what I feel deep inside is sincere... I know you already know how sincere I am and true to what I feel but the least I could ask from you is to give me the chance to see and talk to you personally... And that, if ever we have to bid goodbye, at least I wanted to embrace you and hold your hand for one last time... That if ever you want me to forget about you, at least I could have seen your face for the very last time...

I am sorry if it appears to be that I am blaming you... I just want to breathe it all out so at least, the burden I carry would lighten up a bit... I am sorry for being a coward for not taking that leap of faith you wanted me to do... I am sorry for hurting you... you just don't know how painful it is for me to be in this kind of situation... Don't worry, I will try my best to move on even if it means that I have to move on without having you as my very good friend anymore...

In a way, I thank you during those times we would have a conversation thru text and those times you would call me when I wanted to talk to you... Thanks for making me feel how you loved me for a short span of time even if it's not "us"... Thanks for making me laugh, and for making me feel so inspired because of you and your love for me... Thanks for the care you have shown... Thanks for everything...

You might think that these are the things I wanted to tell you if ever we meet, but it's not... I still don't lose hope about seeing you personally and to have a chance to talk to you. I hope, somehow, you'd have the change of heart to consider meeting me and at least allow me to go over there just to talk to you... Please do reconsider because I am really having the hard time to move on... And I am so sorry about that... It's all because, you are so special to me... I hope you would be able to forgive me for the things I've done that caused you pain...

From the bottom of my heart....