i am such a heartbreaker...

gosh am so damn busy... it's been a long time i haven't updated my blog since i've been too busy until forever i guess!!! i am craving so much for a vacation to at least have a peace of mind from all the work...

no matter how busy i am, i still afford to worry about my close friend whom i think, had a broken heart because of me and my conscience is bothering me and i am so worried about him getting hurt... and, for a couple of times, i admit that i sometimes tend to break someone's heart but believe me when i say that i honestly did not intend to hurt those people who have walked in and out of my life... sad to say, i can hardly gain the friendship back with those people... and it hurts me so much too... specially when that person became a special part of my life... specially when that person means so much that you cannot imagine a life without having him as a friend...

if only i could bring back the time, i could have shown my love for him... if only i could bring back the time, i could have told him, right to his face that i love him so that at least we could have had a relationship even though there are no guarantees of having that relationship for life... what matters is we have loved... that we have shown our true feelings to each other so that we will never regret anything... yet, there's this fear that if things did not work out as we hoped it to be years ago, maybe we may also end up being cold to each other just like now... being indifferent to each other just like now...

how i wanted to let him know that hurting him is the least that i could do... how i wanted to talk to him personally so that i can really express what i feel not sending him text messages, e-mailing him, sending him a message thru friendster... i just could not bear this reality that we are thousand miles apart that i could not get to him and he could not get to me... i want to explain to him what happened... what's really inside me...

two nights ago, i asked him... "is this how it's going to be? until when we're going to be like this?" and he answered me with a question "what?". i did not answer...

then a week ago i told him to please let me know when he's going to be okay so that i'll know when to e-mail him my letter (expressing how i feel) and this is his answer:

"I'm sorry to tell you, only time will tell when i'll be fine. Only time knows when that someone who'll show me the beauty of life & love will come. that's the only time when i'll truly be fine."

And that reply hit me hard... it hurts... i am helpless and i do not know how could i ease his pain... how could i take all those hurt away from him since he does not deserve all those... it's so damn hard when that person is miles away that you could not even be there and you are left with no words to say... then tears would just fall... this is so frustrating...

i have a friend who have this prayer and she also have experienced the same thing... and here's the prayer she have shared in her blog:

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him forever in the next. Amen."

she told me to pray... and so i did... every single day that i think about my special friend... i pray that i could see him and be with him even just for once... i know i am not sure if that would make me happy... but maybe somehow it will... i do not also know if that would make him happy but somehow i hope he would be...