the 3rd day & night...

it has been a cold rainy night and day for me, for three consecutive days already... i'm such in a VERY COLD war...

actually, after all the crying and sleepless nights, i know this morning, i was already feeling okay... yet... i even feel like smiling towards my love but his cold stare would sting me like an ice....i even feel like singing but i'd look foolish since am not living on my own home... no one would make me laugh like my brothers & sisters would do... no one is around to inspire me and talk to me like my mom would... no one is there to comfort me like my dad would.... so, while the family that "adopted" me are enjoying their day, talking, playing, laughing, i just sat almost the whole day in front of my computer while my love is there, would play songs pertaining to me, would answer back not in a good way....

so yesterday he wants me to be back... well now, I'M BACK... no tears, no drama.... am ready to face whatever it is i have to face.... today, i did not get the chance to speak much.... it's like all i have is "panis na laway". and i found a song which kinda' suits me as of the moment...


Dream Without You by: MYMP


Last night, you said you love me
Last night, you said you needed me
When I woke up, I never saw your face
When I woke up, you never left a trace


And if there's nothing I can say or do
I'll sing this song, I wanna sing to you


I don't wanna dream if my dream is without you
I don't wanna sleep if my dream will only be blue
I don't wanna hear the words, I don't wanna feel your touch
All I know is that you hurt me so much


You said that we would stay together
I thought that we would be forever
I never thought we'd ever part
But now I have a broken heart


I wonder why I never understand
But I understood when I saw you then
Boy, it's been three years since we part
And all those years I never had a change of heart


I'm not asking you back, I just need a friend
All I'm asking is, let me dream again



i feel that something is drifting apart and am not really sure what it is because i might taking it wrong AGAIN so it's better not to tell too much.... but I still love my love of course... really do... and it's hard to show it since i am afraid of him lately.... afraid to talk to him or even to look at him...


above anything else, (in a serious mode...) i wish he still loves me the same way he had loved me from the very first time we met... i wish things would go back to normal because am already missing my love so much....

My Wish....

i do not know anymore what to think.... i do not know how long can i hold on...

something came into my mind.... someone who have taught me, to write your wish... a wish that you would want to pray to God, and then keep it where no one else could read so that, your wish will come true...

sounds silly, but i just did that a while ago... in a "high tech" form that is... (i've typed it down and have placed a password) because am in desperate need... and i hope when i wake up, things will gonna be fine.... things will go back to where it was... like nothing happened...

hours ago, i held in my hand something that matters to me so much.... the very first "love letter" i got from my love... and i have closed my eyes, to savor the feeling of how it was before... how simple life is... how proud i was for being me, for being the significant other of my love....

to those who would be able to read this, even if we hardly know each other, somehow i hope you'd be able to pray for me... and thanks in advance...

this might be the last of me...

i remember one night, i dreamed of slowling dying... i dreamed of how i died, how it felt like dying...

when i woke up i felt so afraid.... the first thing that came into my mind is this....

i can't die... not yet... because i've thought of my love.... that i still love him so much and would want to make it up for all the wrong things i've done, to change for the better, to prove that am worthy... to prove my promise... to prove how much i love him.... i know i've been wrong for countless times already, and i keep on going because simply, i love him.... he's everything i've got...

yet.....

am now shattered into pieces.... i do not know anymore what i can do.... am so damn frustrated and i've never been so DAMN FRUSTRATED like this! before, all i can think of is to hurt myself but now it's something more.... i want to die.... because am frustrated of making things work, of making things right and i seem to always fail.... now i do not know anymore if i can still hang on... am not scaring you, or threatening you.... (everyone who's reading this blog...) i just really can't take TOO MUCH pain anymore.... i can't go on anymore living like this.....

i am so much afraid that i can no longer control my feelings.... my actions... am afraid that may be tomorrow, or the next day after tomorrow, i'll see myself jumping from the window, brutally hurting myself with a broken glass, or even dosing myself with too much drugs....

i even wanted someone to tie my hands so that i cannot do harm on myself.... because, i really can't help it anymore... i can't bear to see myself anymore doing so many mistakes towards my love....

can someone help me? can someone hold my hand and give me a hug? can someone tell me if things are really going to be fine? i'm loosing my faith.... i can't hold on tight anymore....

one wish...

i guess it takes only one wish for things to be fine... that is, to be as perfect as i can be... i know there is no such thing as "perfect person", yet, am so frustrated now to make things right... to make my love happy and would not always get mad at me for being so wrong, so many times... that the main topic of the argument would always be my faults.... =(

this is the point where i do not feel like living... but i still want to live because i love my love so much yet... it seems that i'd always fail him... it seems that am always making him mad... it seems that sometimes i think, that maybe am not really meant for him... but... as WE think of what we had before, we did not have any sorts of problems or whatsoever.... things were fine, we were a lot happier, no arguments... we were even contented even if we just sit side by side and not speaking to each other...

but what the hell is happening? it's like sometimes, we do not know each other anymore... =(

i remember, a friend of mine told me once, when a relationship turned to its 3rd year, there's this so-called "turning point".... where there would be re-adjustments, and other sorts of things that will really challenge the relationship... and if ever there is such, (turning point) am not liking it at all!!! Can't we just skip that f****** turning point and live happily ever after???

am affraid of losing my sanity, TOTALLY... =( ... this sort of thing is driving me CRAZY.... =( now that i also do not like my physical attributes, i've got nothing left to boast.... =( i look so undesirable now... it's not because of self-pity but i got so chubby now, almost like when i was in high school... and my stupid long hair that i would just always tie all up...

anyway, i know that what am wishing for is so damn impossible.... but what more can i do when almost everything i do is always wrong? =( when our relationship is beginning to be unhealthy because of ME? =(