depressed... again...

it's so nice that less than a month, it's already my birthday and am depressed... again... and again... and again... and months have passed, and STILL am looked at & known as a MEAN/BAD person... when i am depressed i really do cry the whole day & night but since there's something i've got to do this afternoon, i have to stop crying & pretend that am okay when am really not... when i was crying this afternoon, not even the funniest joke made me laugh, so it did not stop me from crying... while i was crying, i closed my eyes & try to picture Jesus hugging me... and even the thought of my parents hugging me when i was just a kid also came into my mind because, i badly needed comfort... i badly need someone to tell me that things will be fine...

how wish that when i smile & laugh with my friends, i wish that my heart is really into it.... deep inside, i just wanna stay in one corner, and cry all out those feelings of hurt...

i feel so, so, much that am just another FAILURE... that no matter how hard i tried, things just don't get fine... it's been almost A YEAR that i've tried... YET, people around can still hardly see... i feel like i'm being torn into pieces.... i'm shattered... i do not even know who i am now since, all that is in my mind is to do this & that...

i think it's much better when i do not talk too much... when i simply enjoy being myself... thinking alone & not minding the world around me... well, am really starting to go back to where i was long ago... because, i'm STILL causing much trouble & pain for others so it would really be better to stay quiet...

starting tomorrow, i'l be quiet... just like before... & i mean it...