Finally, It's About Time...

I just woke up, and now am blogging myself away.... Last night, I was to able to see things clearly... I was able to see where exactly I am.... And nothing will happen if I'll just cry myself to sleep everynight and do nothing... It's about time I do something, it's about time I move on.....

I feel very lonely as I move on... Well, because am the only one supporting myself and thank God I've chosen to move on with my life than to end it... Yes, am thinking of killing myself since I cannot feel anymore my importance in this life.... I can hardly feel that I am needed...

I thank so much my new friend who have helped me see my way through... He made me realize that I can still do things supported or not... My new friend, thanks for believing in me... It really matters to me since, we hardly know each other, yet you believe in me...

Well, am going back now to who I am years ago... someone who would just stay quiet... someone with fewer friends, yet contented with it... All that matters to me now, is to have friends who can really accept who I really am... I am really so tired of pleasing everyone, so it's about time I lay low... It's about time I rest myself from so many things that will only hurt me....

I remember, before I started working, the last person who have interviewed me is the school's guidance councilor.... She said, I can survive even if am alone.... After hearing that, I really did not mind it at all...Yet, deep inside, I realized... That there's still this old me inside....

Different Levels....

Just wondering lately... if you & your special someone aren't meeting on the same level, how could things ever work out??? I don't want to be blamed that I give too much or even love too much... Because it's who I am.... The person I became... In the past, I've lots of regrets... specially when it comes to showing my love & concern.... From then on, I learned to "Seize The Day".... I don't wanna end up regretting that I wasn't able to give or love...

When it comes to friends, when I say "I am with you on this one..."
I really mean it.... I am always someone you can count on by your side..... Even to my love.... Yet, whenever I am in a position that I need the support & all, am on my own... and it really makes me sad... It's like, he doesn't believe in me that I can really make things happen with my kind of strategy.... then I'll be blamed for being insecure.... ugh...... and also be blamed for comparing things.... Now, how can I be proud of myself, when am left all alone???

Like a living DEAD....

Well... before all i have is just a "temporary insanity".... yet, as time goes by, i feel like am really insane... really.... today i got so mad...i don't know exactly why.... i do not know now what's really happening with my attitude.... maybe because of the pressure of what i should do... what i am reprimanded to do... what's the right thing to do, why i have to do this, do that... please everyone, be kind to everyone... Am so damn busy doing stuff for others, yet, i've neglected my own self.... i neglected what o want, what makes me happy... really happy... am so much pressured with how should i live my life, according to my boyfriend... Every single day, since the day i got so depressed again, i ask... what do i really want, that would make me happy... i can hardly think of important things that would make me happy, that it made me think of "not-so-important things" that will make me happy... like getting drunk, smoking, eating lots of chocolate, eating chocolate ice cream.... yet, even those little things, i can hardly do... Or, i would stop & think again...

Ugh.... am such a bad person, that i know... i do not even believe that am worth it to be loved.... many times i've failed, stumbled & fall now, i do not know if i can still put myself together again, & stand up again... i feel like a really, really dumb person... i feel am not at all special... i feel am not so important... that's why i stay quiet, blogging my real feelings.... since, am always bottled up.... i'm scared to reveal my real self to this blog since am so, so afraid of making a mistake.... anyway, i made this blog because somehow, i would be able to express myself freely... i would be able to be my real self just for this blog.... & maybe somehow, someone might help me get through...