Like a living DEAD....

Well... before all i have is just a "temporary insanity".... yet, as time goes by, i feel like am really insane... really.... today i got so mad...i don't know exactly why.... i do not know now what's really happening with my attitude.... maybe because of the pressure of what i should do... what i am reprimanded to do... what's the right thing to do, why i have to do this, do that... please everyone, be kind to everyone... Am so damn busy doing stuff for others, yet, i've neglected my own self.... i neglected what o want, what makes me happy... really happy... am so much pressured with how should i live my life, according to my boyfriend... Every single day, since the day i got so depressed again, i ask... what do i really want, that would make me happy... i can hardly think of important things that would make me happy, that it made me think of "not-so-important things" that will make me happy... like getting drunk, smoking, eating lots of chocolate, eating chocolate ice cream.... yet, even those little things, i can hardly do... Or, i would stop & think again...

Ugh.... am such a bad person, that i know... i do not even believe that am worth it to be loved.... many times i've failed, stumbled & fall now, i do not know if i can still put myself together again, & stand up again... i feel like a really, really dumb person... i feel am not at all special... i feel am not so important... that's why i stay quiet, blogging my real feelings.... since, am always bottled up.... i'm scared to reveal my real self to this blog since am so, so afraid of making a mistake.... anyway, i made this blog because somehow, i would be able to express myself freely... i would be able to be my real self just for this blog.... & maybe somehow, someone might help me get through...