depressed...can someone save me???

it just started with not having a good and happy weekend... until everything got bigger to the point that i can't take things anymore when someone else is also mad... and that someone else was suppose to understand me... yet i guess he didn't... i know both of us have problems but... how about me? everytime am in a bad mood, i am not being understoond and not even given the priviledge to at least let me be for i cannot laugh because i don't feel like it... how can i be happy with things when i can no longer breathe because of the so many things to do, the fact that i can't even enjoy my weekend because i have no time for it... weekend matters to me because i work everyday... i don't even have a social life anymore... i don't even have that kind of best friend who can understand my situation right now...

i know for a fact that, your better half is suppose to be your best friend at the same time... but it's not happening to me... i have MYSELF as my best friend and only me can understand myself...

i've got no one to turn to... no one to cry on to...

“jokes are half meant…”

It’s really difficult to be okay when the one you love most hurts you… He started it with a joke… A joke that i find it so personal… YOU want to know why I got mad and hurt?

YOU say you’re status is “complicated”? Who’s the one bearing the child? (yes people, I am pregnant…) Do you think it would be easy for me to say to the one I met a month ago that I am pregnant? Yes, I wasn’t able to tell him… Because I feel I’d “complicate” the situation more between me and him…

YOU should be thankful you still enjoy and have privilege to go out and be with the people you want to be with while I can’t… I know I’ve given you this freedom but in return you say you’re in a complicated situation??? What’s so complicated with that? Have you even thought of what others would think when the see that “complicated” stuff in your profile? Yes you say it’s JUST friendster but what you indicated is not JUST a joke… specially when the people doesn’t know that it’s just a joke, you’re the ONLY person who knows that’s it’s a joke…

That’s why I told you to THINK before marrying me because for me, that isn’t a joke… What would YOU feel if I’m the one who would tell the people that am in a complicated situation??? Gee, you are still the old you who only cares of your OWN reputation… I NEVER asked you to marry me as soon as possible or just because am bearing our child… Sorry that I’ve placed you in a complicated situation…

YOU said that sorry is not always enough... So don’t rush me to be okay with you… YOU know that I am emotional and sensitive… I am sorry but this is not something I can just laugh away and forget immediately…

finally...

i got the chance to meet my archangel today... but before i met him, here's how i felt...

• excited!!! because finally after a looooonnngggg time am going to meet him.
• then i felt nervous... i suddenly got myself confused on how am i going to react as soon as i see him... after all that had happened between us, i don't know if i should express myself freely or not... ( i chose not to express myself too much... confusing huh?

i was texting when i suddenly saw him aproaching me... he gave me a hug which made me close my eyes because i want to savor the moment. even if we're in a public place, i don't give a damn... it's like, the time stopped and there's just the two of us... then i get back into senses quickly and put in mind that we're only just friends now...

so, we went to the park, (going and from the park)... we sat down and talked about life... i really don't know what to answer when he asked me how i am... i just said i'm ok but there's something more i should've told... as we sat beside each other, i was controlling myself yet... i felt that am losing a part of me since, i wasn't my full self... i could've been so sweet towards him but i was afraid to do so... even in expressing myself, i couldn't do... there are so many things i wish i could tell him but i just stood there staring at his sweet face... i would always look at his face because i do not know when will we see each other again... i want to remember his face, his smile...

we even sung in a videoke room in the mall... i was feeling quite emotional since, i remembered him saying he would like to hear me sing in person than me singing for him over the phone... anyway, i am happy to hear him sing as well... and again, i would stare at him at times as he sings... *sigh*....

being with him today made me feel how much i missed him... it brought back bittersweet memories... as i arrived home, i sat on the bed and somehow felt sad... i got so attracted... deep inside i know how i feel... that i still feel my love for him... and everything tears me apart as i face the reality....

when we see each other again, i want to tell him how i feel... but... i feel so uncertain about it... i am afraid... i am so damn confused.... anyway, i am not expecting something in return, i just want to tell him the things i've told him before personally...

moving on...

My life is my love... and now that my love has gone, i feel so empty and lonely at the same time... it breaks my heart to see right in front of me how things are changing... how i live my life each day with an empty heart... and it is really painful and sad...

i hope someday i would learn to love another but as of now, i don't feel like it... i am so much afraid that if the same thing will happen again, i don't know anymore if i'll still be able to make it... i have lost faith in loving...

will someone teach me how to be strong again?

this is so, so, so sad... :( i can no longer express how i feel... am just too damn depressed...

when love begins to fade away...

i do not wear a ring on my left ring finger anymore... i do not believe in promises... i do not believe on "living happily ever after" anymore... i have completely lost my faith on love...

now i think that the people are right when they say that it isn't right to give everything because of love because there would be a time when there's nothing left for you anymore... it's not that i am saying that i believe in that... it's just that, to some extent, i feel so empty now that i know i have given my very best just for my love yet it seems that i failed... i am again a failure...

i may be pretty and all... sweet and loving but i don't know why something like this happened to me...

maybe i do not deserve the best things in life...

maybe i just don't deserve someone whom i have loved so much... all because, he loves someone else than me...

after this, i don't think i will ever learn to love the same way again... and i think i will not ever love another again... everything was too painful... i no longer know if i am still capable of loving...


for you....

You Don't Bring Me Flowers
Neil Diamond (Barbra Streisand)

[Written by Neil Diamond
Alan Bergman and Marilyn Bergman]

You don't bring me flowers
You don't sing me love songs
You hardly talk to me anymore
When you come thru the door
At the end of the day

I remember when you couldn't wait to love me
Used to hate to leave me
Now after lovin' me late at night
When it's good for you, babe
And you're feelin' alright
Well you just roll over and turn out the light
And you don't bring me flowers anymore

It used to be so natural to talk about forever
But "used to be's" don't count anymore
They just lay on the floor
'Til we sweep them away

Baby, I remember
All the things you taught me
I learned how to laugh
And I learned how to cry
Well, I leared how to love
And I learned how to lie
So you'd think I could learn
How to tell you goodbye
You don't bring me flowers anymore

Well, you'd think I'd could learn
How to say tell you goodbye
You don't say you need me
You don't sing me love songs
You don't bring me flowers anymore

one last time...

i think i will be nearly saying goodbye to the person i've been with for the past four years...

i feel so lonely... i feel so cold once more... i hope someone could hold my hand, and tell me that everything is going to be alright... i hope someone could hug me tight and make me feel that i am loved... i am so sad... i am depressed...

ONE LAST TIME
by: Sharon Cuneta

One last time just to see you
One Last time maybe hold you in my arms
To feel the warmth and tender moments
That we shared

One last time
One last chance to see your face
God, I'm never good at this
Goodbyes are always hard to say
But then there is no other way
For you and I can never be
And we both know it
But how can I just throw aways
The things we had

Wish I could says the what we had never existed
But I knew it from the very start
Thoug I thought it might work out
Guess a cycle never really fails
When you fall in love
You'd end up with a broken heart

One last time just to see you
One more time thought it got so bad inside
I have to find the guts to say goodbye
One last kiss as if a kiss could ease the pain
You know I'll love you for always
And in my heart you will remain
But it's time to go our separate ways

For you and I can never be
And we both know it
But how can I just throw away the things we had
Wish I could say that what we had never existed
But I knew it from the very start
Though I thought somehow it might work out
Guess a cycle never fails
When you fall in love
You'd end up with a broken heart

One last time though it got so bad inside
I have to find the guts to say goodbye
One last time you know I'll love you for always
But I have to say goodbye
to say goodbye

beginning to fly...

my archangel have fled... and i think the next one will be the one who's with me for a very long time... i am so down for he is so down too... i am troubles as much as he is troubled... i really do not like the feeling like you're hangging on a cliff... thank God am still able to work properly... still manage to wear a smile in front of my students amidst everything that's happening around... but when am alone i'd just stare... like waiting for things to be ok...

everything seems to be drifting apart... everything that i used to have seems to be taken away from me... i am not so sure if i'll be really fine living without those things i used to have, but i'll try... maybe i can... if i can't, i hope someone would help me...